NafisaAt this point in the Premier League season, a team sitting around 12th place would typically go unnoticed. Neither in contention for European spots nor in danger of relegation, they’d be little more than background noise. Think Eddie Howe’s Bournemouth, Roy Hodgson’s Crystal Palace, or Wolves in the transition from Nuno Espírito Santo to Gary O’Neil.
But take a look at who’s occupying those spots this season. These aren’t just any midtable drifters—these are some of the Premier League’s most storied clubs. Three have never been relegated, one has spent 19 of the last 20 seasons in the top flight. (There’s been some debate about whether Crystal Palace belongs in this conversation, but a decade back in the Premier League earns them a mention.) And this weekend, two of them—Manchester United and Everton—go head-to-head.
All of this makes for an ideal moment for a little schadenfreude. The lower midtable and upper relegation battle is packed with clubs that, frankly, should be nowhere near this conversation. But who has the most reason to be red-faced? To find out, we put on our lab coats, turned the Bunsen burner up to full blast, and created CBS Sports’ first (and probably last) Premier League embarrassment-o-meter. And yes, we all know Manchester United is going to break the scale—but who comes in second? That’s worth discussing, right? Keep reading. Please…
12th – Tottenham (30 pts)
Do you want to say it, or should Ange? The injuries, you fools. And he’s not wrong. Tottenham has picked up just 17 points in the 16 league matches since losing Cristian Romero and Micky van de Ven, and their expected goal difference in that period ranks 16th in the league. Guglielmo Vicario and Destiny Udogie have been sidelined as well, making Postecoglou’s defense of his team’s performances compelling. Losing 80 percent of your starting backline is a challenge few teams could overcome.
The counterargument? Arsenal’s attack has taken its hits, yet they’re still in second place. Manchester City, despite an injury-plagued season, remains in contention for Champions League qualification. These are the teams Spurs measure themselves against. The Gunners might struggle if they lost William Saliba and Gabriel for months, but Postecoglou’s system depends on center-backs who can cover vast spaces. Finding backups who can replicate what Van de Ven and Romero do is a tall order.
The real embarrassment for Spurs comes in Postecoglou’s insistence that his approach would never change—except it has. The midfield has been reinforced, the defensive line has dropped deeper. It’s not their identity, and it shows. And that’s not the only time the manager’s words have come back to haunt them. The Europa League remains in play, but you can already hear Postecoglou’s second-season trophy guarantees being replayed over clips of heavy defeats to Liverpool, Aston Villa, and some unfortunate European opponent.
Embarrassment-o-meter rating: 3/5
13th – Crystal Palace (30 pts)
They’re here because it felt weirder to leave them out. Palace fans might feel a bit uneasy about how this season has unfolded. After their promising surge under Oliver Glasner in 2024, there was hope for something beyond midtable security—maybe even a cup run. Now? Well, that Millwall match looks like a decent distraction. A couple of favorable draws, and Wembley could be on the horizon.
A season of consolidation might have been inevitable—though this writer didn’t see it coming—after the departures of Michael Olise and Joachim Andersen. Maxence Lacroix has proven a solid replacement for the latter, and while players of Olise’s quality don’t emerge often, Palace’s strong track record in Football League scouting gives them a chance to defy the odds. In the grand scheme of things, it’s all fine.
Embarrassment-o-meter rating: 1/5
14th – Everton (30 pts)
Can you believe how bad this could have been? Evertonians were staring down the possibility of opening their new stadium as a Championship club. And that wasn’t even the biggest concern—there were genuine fears over whether the club would be financially viable at all. Until the Friedkin Group took over from Farhad Moshiri, survival wasn’t a given.
The new ownership wasn’t interested in a cautious approach. Dismissing survival specialist Sean Dyche in favor of David Moyes could have been a disaster. Instead, Moyes is looking like a returning savior, with fans daring to believe that better days might finally be on the way. If his return feels anything like the euphoria of James Tarkowski’s equalizer against Liverpool, the “Moyesiah” memes will be endless.
Sure, a club of Everton’s stature should be aiming higher than 14th. But given the limitations of their squad, a season of stability is worth celebrating. After years of financial struggles and mismanagement, Everton supporters should be embracing this moment.
Embarrassment-o-meter rating: 0/5
15th – Manchester United (29 pts)
If one moment captures the current state of Manchester United, it’s the revelation that CEO Omar Berrada has threatened to fire any employee caught leaking to the press—a story conveniently found in… the Daily Telegraph. A year after Sir Jim Ratcliffe secured his investment to become minority owner and de facto shield for the Glazers, there’s little sign of structural progress. Ratcliffe is penny-pinching on bonuses for stewards and FA Cup final travel, while the club has burned through over $18 million in the dismissals of Dan Ashworth and Erik ten Hag.
Moving on from an underperforming manager should have been a step forward, but United’s squad is so poorly constructed that even Ruben Amorim—one of Europe’s brightest young tacticians—has struggled to make it work. They’re quickly reaching a point where they must decide whether to fully back a coach who’s averaging a point per game in the league, knowing that his system requires a specific player profile that might be obsolete under his eventual successor.
And where’s the money to fund an Amorim-led rebuild? Years of reckless spending have caught up with them. Rasmus Højlund and Joshua Zirkzee cost over $100 million combined, yet United still desperately need a center forward. Unless they offload one of their top young talents, it’s hard to see how they afford multiple key signings.
This is just scratching the surface. There’s the humiliating defeats to Bournemouth, Brighton, and Crystal Palace, the dreadful set-piece defending, and the tone-deaf ticketing decisions. The brutal reality? United are 15th not due to bad luck, but because their performances have merited it. The only issue with ranking them so high on the embarrassment scale is that United fans have every right to be outright furious rather than merely embarrassed.
Embarrassment-o-meter rating: 5/5
16th – West Ham (27 pts)
West Ham should be counting their blessings that Manchester United’s struggles have kept them out of the spotlight. This is a club with financial muscle, one that spent over $150 million last summer. But most of it was poorly allocated. It’s no surprise that technical director Tim Steidten left recently, with questionable signings like Niclas Füllkrug, Konstantinos Mavropanos, and Luis Guilherme marking his tenure. The recruitment strategy always seemed muddled—Max Kilman was signed for big money to reunite with Julen Lopetegui, despite little evidence he’d be an upgrade on David Moyes.
Graham Potter has inherited the same issues as his predecessors. West Ham’s squad is oddly constructed. The attacking midfield options—Lucas Paquetá, Mohammed Kudus, and Jarrod Bowen—are elite. But behind them? Edson Álvarez hasn’t filled Declan Rice’s void, and Tomáš Souček struggles when deployed deeper. Michail Antonio’s December car crash was a cruel setback, but West Ham have needed a proper striker for years. It took until deadline day to bring in Evan Ferguson on loan.
Two years ago, this club had momentum. They were about to lift a European trophy, boasting financial flexibility, a lucrative stadium, and London’s allure for potential signings. Instead, they’ve regressed so rapidly that if the summer window doesn’t go right, Potter could be in a relegation battle before long.
Embarrassment-o-meter rating: 4/5
Nafisa
